For decades, research has shown that boys begin life just as emotionally expressive as girls. Yet by adolescence, many young men start to withdraw, finding it harder to express vulnerability or maintain close friendships. Drawing from her research and interviews spanning three decades, Niobe Way, developmental psychology professor at New York University (NYU), reveals that boys in early adolescence express a strong desire for close, emotionally intimate friendships. According to Way, this pattern of withdrawal is not simply a passing phase — it represents a “crisis of connection” with far-reaching consequences for boys’ well-being and mental health.
In her recent Harvard EdCast interview, Way explains that it is socialisation — not biology — that drives this emotional disconnect. As boys enter early adolescence, they begin absorbing cultural messages equating masculinity with emotional restraint. Many then learn to suppress their most genuine relational instincts, which can ultimately lead to isolation, stress, and even depression.
For parents and educators, the challenge is not just to notice these pressures, but to actively counter them in daily interactions. Way underscores that the goal is not to force boys to share before they are ready, but to create an environment where vulnerability is possible and welcome — where boys feel safe enough to express emotion without fear of judgement. Below are simple but powerful shifts, grounded in Way’s research, that can help preserve boys’ emotional openness and foster deeper connection.
Practical Shifts That Build Trust and Emotional Openness
Rather than lecturing or pressuring boys to “open up,” adults can model genuine trust and curiosity — showing interest, asking open-ended questions, and really listening. Creating safety around feelings helps boys stay connected to themselves and others, paving the way for healthy friendships and resilience.
Instead of: “Be strong. You’re a big boy.”
Try: “It’s okay to feel upset — even strong people have tough days.”
Why it works: This challenges the myth that strength means suppressing feelings and encourages honest emotional expression. It reassures boys that vulnerability is part of being human and can prevent the loss of important friendships or an internal disconnect from their own feelings.
Instead of: “Use your words — stop getting angry.”
Try: “I can see you’re frustrated. Want to tell me what’s going on?”
Why it works: This models curiosity rather than control and invites dialogue. It lets boys know their emotions are noticed and respected, which builds trust.
Instead of: “Just ignore it. Don’t let them get to you.”
Try: “That sounds like it really hurt. Do you want to talk about what happened?”
Why it works: It avoids emotional dismissal and opens the door for reflection, showing boys that their experiences matter.
Instead of: “Don’t act like a baby.”
Try: “Everyone has hard moments — let’s work through this together.
Why it works: By supporting emotional regulation and offering connection and companionship, it prevents boys from feeling shameful and alone with their feelings.
Instead of: “Boys don’t cry.”
Try: “I sometimes cry or get upset too — it’s completely normal to express your emotions.”
Why it works: Modelling vulnerability reassures boys that emotional expression is normal and acceptable for everyone, no matter their age or gender.
Supporting boys’ emotional openness helps them maintain the close friendships that are essential during adolescence and beyond. These approaches do not require boys to open up on command. Instead, they create a climate where emotional expression feels possible and welcome — “I’m here if and when you want to talk,” as Way puts it. Openness not only supports boys’ mental health, but also helps preserve the deep friendships and sense of connection that are critical to their development and lifelong well-being.
For more details, listen to the full episode on the Harvard EdCast: Boys and the Crisis of Connection.
